


Begun in Anger

by BookshopLaura



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Magic Revealed, Near Death, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 07:27:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1156790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookshopLaura/pseuds/BookshopLaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame" Benjamin Franklin</p><p>Arthur discovers Merlin's secret after they've kissed and reacts badly. Chapter 1 deals with Merlin's decision to try and make things better and Chapter 2 deals with Arthur facing the consequences of his bitterness and paranoia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Merlin

Arthur had kissed Merlin. And it had been glorious. The culmination of months, maybe years of longing looks and touches that lasted just that little bit longer than was necessary. In the end it had been Arthur 'saving' Merlin from possibly getting his head cut off by a bandit which had broken the tension. Merlin had actually saved Arthur but that was beside the point. They'd both run to find the other, rife with worry and panting with breathless fear. Arthur has looked Merlin over, searching for wounds before grabbing Merlin's head and pressing a sloppy kiss to his forehead and then pulling him into a tight hug. 

Merlin hugs back, his mind stunned that Arthur has been so open with affection as to kiss him on the forehead. He doesn't know if it's just friendly relief. He pulls away a little and sees a strange look in Arthur's eyes too. Arthur pulls away completely and heads back to his horse. 

They don't talk all the way back to the castle but as soon as they are in Arthur's chambers he pins Merlin with a look, pleading. He can't say it, but Merlin knows what he's asking. He nods, his heart racing. Then Arthur is leaning in slowly to press his lips to Merlin's. It's gentle and tentative and perfect. And Merlin is thinking about it, subconsciously running his finger over his lips as he thinks about it. The other hand runs up and down a cup in his hand. Only three weeks have passed since that perfect day, that perfect kiss. But there haven't been any others. Because Merlin is an idiot. Merlin, so wrapped up in the idea of Arthur being in love with him that he feels the need to tell Arthur his secret. Arthur loves him, he can't hide something so important from the man he loves. 

He tells Arthur the morning after the kiss. As Arthur is eating his breakfast. He pauses, his fork mid way to his mouth and watches Merlin. Merlin keeps talking, trying to explain himself, explain why he kept his magic secret. But Arthur's expression is closing down. His eyes are dangerous. It's a quiet anger, a slow burn. When Merlin finishes he sits for a moment in silence, places his fork on the plate and puts his arms on the table. A few more moments his sits in silence and then dismisses Merlin. Merlin's upset, but Arthur has a right to be angry, a right to be upset with him too. But now it's been three weeks, and Arthur's anger has only grown. He's become bitter, even cruel to Merlin. Giving him more tasks to complete than's physically possible, or some days just ignoring his presence completely. It's breaking Merlin's heart. But the worst came yesterday morning. When Merlin had gone to wake Arthur, dreading it now, but trying anyway. As Arthur woke his eyes focussed on Merlin and darkened, his brow furrowing and his lips setting firm. 

"Good... good morning, sire" said Merlin, forcing a smile. 

"You bewitched me"

"What?" 

"You put a spell on me to make me fall in love with you!"

"No! No, Arthur I'd never..."

"I demand you release me from it immediately!"

"Arthur, I haven't done anything..."

"That's not a request! You do it or I'll have you executed, do you understand?"

Merlin's nearly crying, but he nods and then runs from the room. He's paranoid. Maybe he did accidentally enchant Arthur, why else would Arthur have wanted to kiss him? He heads straight back to his rooms and brews every anti enchantment potion he can find, tries every spell. He takes potions to Arthur and is forced to drink some of each to prove it's not poison. Arthur isn't convinced by them. Merlin tries to tell him he's not enchanted, because clearly an enchanted person wouldn't hate him like Arthur does, but that doesn't work, only makes Arthur angrier. 

Which is why Merlin sits at Gaius' table, considering the cup before him. It's his last option. A radical one. It's a cup of poison, five crushed berries from the deadly night shade, belladonna, mixed with water. It's extreme, but Merlin doesn't know what else to do. Arthur hates him, and he lives to serve Arthur. He lives to help Arthur fulfil his destiny, and he loves Arthur, he knows that now. Has always loved him more than his own live. So if this will release Arthur from an enchantment. If this will convince him not to hate Merlin any more, then he'll do it. Steeling himself his takes the cup and brings it to his lips. For a minute he considers the cup. Then he downs the contents.


	2. Arthur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaius returns home to find Merlin

Gaius enters his chambers tired and wiping his brow. He's carrying some supplies from where he's been to see a patient in the lower town and now all he wants is eat a hearty meal and head to bed. His eyes settle on Merlin, who is just setting down a cup, looking pale. Merlin hasn't looked particularly healthy recently, far too withdrawn and quiet. This fight with Arthur is taking it's toll. He sighs and turns to start dinner when his eyes rest on a few pieces of greenery at the end of the table, barely leaves. He puts his things down and walks over to them. Merlin is suddenly up and trying to stop him seeing them, but he's already picked one up and he's recognised it. It's the outer leaf from around a belladonna berry. 

"Merlin, what is..." he doesn't need to finish the sentences. Merlin's knitted brow and quivering chin are enough evidence of what has taken place. 

"You foolish boy!" he shouts, turning and grabbing a bowl. He slams it in front of Merlin, shouting. 

"Throw up! Make yourself throw up!"

"I can't..." 

"Open your mouth!" Orders Gaius, and when Merlin responds more from startled fear than understanding, he sticks his fingers down Merlin's throat. It's a drastic measure, but effective. Merlin immediately vomits violently into the bowl in front of him. And over half of the table. 

The door to their chambers slams open. Arthur storms in looking around angry.

"Merlin! You said that..." He stumbles to a halt as he sees Merlin sitting shaking over a bowl. He's about to start again when Gaius appears in front of him, tall and indignant, despite his age and being shorter than Arthur. 

"Get out!"

"I am the king, Gaius!" he replies.

"No! You are the bastard responsible for Merlin trying to poison himself with Deadly Nightshade! So you can go! Now!"

"Deadly... No! He... " Arthur's looking across at Merlin, whose beginning to cry, hanging his head in shame. Gaius makes an exasperated noise and turns back to Merlin. 

"Open your mouth again!" he says, still angry, but more controlled. Arthur looks on with disgust and horror as Gaius repeats the process, Merlin vomiting into the already half full bowl, making even more of a mess of the table. He's shaking and watery eyed when it stops. Gaius has gone to pick up a cloth, but is leaning heavily on the work bench, breathing deeply. Arthur is watching on dumb struck. Finally Gaius turns back again, with an empty bowl, which he swaps for the first. He hands the full bowl to the Arthur, with a withering look and nods at Merlin who looks terrified but opens his mouth. Arthur watches on in horror as Gaius makes Merlin vomit one last time, not producing much this time. He hands the second bowl to Arthur and nods towards the door. 

Arthur couldn't argue if he wanted to. He carries the two bowls down the stairs until he's in the courtyard. He finds a dirty corner and pours the fowl smelling liquid out of the bowls. But it's still there on the ground. Smelling bitter and acid. Like Merlin has vomited back what Arthur has poured into him these last weeks. Like Arthur's bitterness nearly killed Merlin. But there's no like about it. It did nearly kill Merlin. Whose to know if it still might. A sob escapes him at the thought. He heads over to a nearby water pump and cleans both of the bowls. But it's not enough. He takes one of the bowls, filled with water and pours it over the vomit on the street. Again and again until there is no trace of it. By the end he's soaking down his front, both from the bowl and from his own tears. 

He heads back to Gaius' chambers to find Merlin still sat at the table, a large blanket now wrapped around him. Next to his hand is a large cup. Gaius is sat opposite him, leaning forward, trying to catch Merlin's eye.

"Did you think about all your friends? How much you'd hurt them? Or your mother, Merlin! I'd have to go and tell her what had happened! And what about me? Do you think I wouldn't have been heartbroken? You're like a son to me, Merlin!" It's quiet but forceful. Merlin leans forward to cry into his arms on the table. It's so like the Gaius and Merlin he knows. It strikes him that not everything has been an act. But he'd already worked that out. Gaius leans back at this and he turns, catching sight of Arthur at the door. His eyes darken. 

"I told you to get out"

"I... I bought your bowls back... please, let me talk to him" Gaius studies Arthur. His eyes are obviously red. Gaius considers a long moment, then nods grudgingly. "But you step one toe out of line..." It should be an empty threat. But Gaius is many things. One is Merlin's overprotective father figure. The other is Arthur's lifelong physician. Both command respect and a level of fear. Besides which, Arthur knows when he's wrong. Even now, when he's done so so wrong. 

"I understand Gaius" Gaius glares at him one last time and goes to sit in a corner, reading a book. It's clear he's not trusting Arthur alone with Merlin. Arthur turns to look at Merlin. He's sat up but is obviously consciously not looking up at Arthur. Arthur goes and stands by the bench next to Merlin.

"May I sit?" he asks quietly. He sees Merlin nod slightly, so he sits down, mirroring Merlin, studying his hands. It's difficult thinking what he wants to say. No, he knows what he's trying to say, but not how to say it. 

"I didn't put an enchantment on you, I swear it!" says Merlin, his voice cracking at the end.

"I know Merlin, god I know... I'm sorry" 

"I'm sorry too"

"What?"

"For lying to you. For upsetting you... I never knew how to tell you. And I didn't do it right... I couldn't even do this right" he says, burying his face in his hands. Arthur feels sick. All he's seen was deception. The idea that Merlin has been battling this had never entered his mind. And seeing not dying as a failure. He grabs Merlin's hands from in front of his face, forcing Merlin to face him. 

"I have never been more relieved that you couldn't do something... Merlin. I can't, the idea of you... promise me you'll never try this again! Promise me, Merlin!"

"Does this mean you've forgiven me?"

"There's nothing to forgive"

"I lied to you!"

"And I nearly killed you for it! If anyone should be begging forgiveness, it's me. Oh god, Merlin, please forgive me!" Arthur's really in tears now, flooding down his cheeks, not bothering to try and hold them back. 

Merlin flings his arms around Arthur's neck, nodding against his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always welcome.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not trying to glorify or romanticise suicide. I'm not trying to represent Merlin's dependence on Arthur or the way he's built his life around Arthur's as healthy, that's simply how I've read it from the show. I'm hoping by the end of the second chapter that both characters will have developed something healthier, that this is a symptom of a twisted relationship which can't continue as it is. Showing that is happening is not condoning it. if you're reading this and feeling like this then please contact someone, speak to someone about it. Message me if you want, I don't mind chatting, but don't keep it to yourself. Whatever is causing it, please just talk about it!


End file.
